I'm not feeling 100% tonight, so if my writing is less lucid than normal, I would like to attribute it to that reason.  I'm supposed to be writing an article tonight, but I really can't focus well enough to do the quality work I want, so I am writing here instead.

I'm enjoying the paper.  I think we have a good team in place, and I am confident it will continue to grow.  Behind the scenes, what no one really sees is how much has to be learned in this particular business.  There are a million things to do that are much more consuming than writing the actual stories, and it is a challenge getting people's attention.  I know there is no substitute for the passage of time and the work we produce.

I'm growing as a person.  I'm stronger and tougher than I once was.  While there are moments I miss being more sentimental, I think this version of me is better.   The paper is the first in a series of increasingly audacious things I plan to attempt.  I believe I can succeed in these, but I don't know how the process will change who I am; I'm certain it will as it always does.

My attitude toward risk is changing.  I think we sometimes become so fixated on keeping what we have that we forget to ask if it is what we really want.  I've let different situations constrain me in the past, and I did so because I didn't want to take material risks.  Now, I'd prefer if things go easily, but I realize being what I want to be is more important than any possession, and there is space to recover if I fail.  My biggest fear becomes succeeding in being what I don't want to be because it was never the right time.

Great actions require the willingness to overcome adversity.  Mild and timid people rarely achieve larger goals.  They might be happy; I'll grant that.  But, I have bigger dreams, and for better or worse, I know I must pursue them.  I need it for me.

It's what keeps me focused when my daily life isn't usually that interesting.  My job is banal, but it's temporary.  And, I find things to make it better.  Next year, however, it will change.  I am doing what I need, but I hope I have enough strength in me to last through all that will follow.  The price you pay for whatever you do is always the same:  yourself.
 
 
I think I could write a book if I wanted.  Although I have done that once before, I always lacked confidence to try to write at that length.  If nothing else, working on this newspaper is proving that I am able to write often and at a high level through any occasion.

It makes me wonder how much we miss when we don't test ourselves.  I'm surprised by what I have learned, and about what is simple and what is hard.  Putting together stories is easy; it is finding yourself caring about what happens to so many people that really takes energy.  It is inspirational, yet still a challenge.

As a result, I find my own behaviors changing.  Now I spend much more time and money in local establishments, and less in chains.  It might not be as convenient or quite as cheap, but my reasoning is that the independent entrepreneurs need help.  We're better when we have communities where people buy local, and where there is a social network.

Growing up in an unremarkable suburb means I missed having any sense of community growing up.  Truthfully, I always lived as and embraced the role of outsider.  But maybe, just maybe, it is time for me to fit in.

On my own terms, of course.
 
 
I am changing the name of this blog from the somewhat generic title of "Selected Thoughts" to "Off the Record".  While I think it qualitatively sounds cooler than what I was using previously, I am making this change to reflect two things.  Firstly, it is a celebration of my newly launched business, a newspaper of no ill repute, and secondly, it is a rediscovery of myself in many ways.

Perhaps I have been playing politics too many years and have become too image conscious.  I don't mean being well dressed so much as just watching and gauging the impact of my every word.  There is a certain wariness that develops in those who play the game too much, and you stop letting yourself be free.  I find that being that way doesn't suit me so much.  While there is always a place for tact and discretion, perhaps honesty deserves a seat closer to the head of the table also.

So, off the record it is.  And, I have to tell you, the best conversations are often off the record.  One of the challenges of writing in a newspaper is that when you're busy selecting what content will be sufficiently interesting or relevant to publish, that there are so many really fascinating conversations that go by the wayside.  With articles like the one on pizza delivery, I try to share a bit of the flavor of these, and maybe it shows my inner dork.  I am learning that even though I'm nearly thirty, that I'm still curious about the world and how it works.

An example:  I spent ten minutes this Sunday learning about how people buy ice cream.  It sounds like it wouldn't be that interesting, but there are always surprises to be found.  For instance, did you know that people don't like buying ice cream when the temperature is beyond 85 degrees?  At first, I thought that was ridiculous as summer, heat, and ice cream are all linked in my mind, but the gist of the problem is it melts too fast and people don't want the embarrassment of spilling ice cream.  Though some cups are purchase, cones rule the day and sales plummet.

So, I learned something.  It doesn't change the world, but it was cool.  And I see that in a million new ways, and I learn what people think, and what they need.  I'm not sure if this will make me more successful, though I'm feeling good about what we're doing with the paper.  I am sure it will make me a better person, and that's something I am happy to write home about.
 
 
It is nearly midnight and my day is finally settling down.  It was a very long day, though productive.  I realize that for all the writing that I do, that readers rarely see what goes into the observations and involvement that this requires.  So, I'm going to do something different tonight, and share what a day looks like.

I work eight hours.  Some days are more strenuous than others, but today isn't too bad.  I spend my lunch hour meeting with a business partner planning ahead for the news site, trying to conserve time.  Through the afternoon, I am thinking and planning for the site as I work on my paid vocation.  With work ending, it is off to another meeting, to look at materials for promotional items.  Then, after a traffic jam, I go to a borough council meeting that lasts three hours.  Dinner is late night Mickey D's, and my poor dog and I both look beat.

Needless to say, I keep busy.  But it takes a while to learn what is happening in your world, and I try to understand.  Fortunately, I have a loving, intelligent, and indulging girlfriend.  That helps a lot, and I know it is only going to get worse.  The more you want to accomplish, the higher the price becomes.  And I think I've learned that only through talking to others and getting to know them does it become possible to make an impact.

If you wonder why I do it, it's because I both hope to understand what is happening, and then apply my own ideas to make the world around me better.  I'm really a hopeful idealist at heart, but sometimes it hides itself beneath a worn political exterior.